The Lidl Nightmare

Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a beach. A warm breeze brushes your fur, the ocean hums softly, and the air smells of salt. Got it? You’re lying on a sunbed, your skin warmed by the sun, listening only to seagulls and the sound of the waves? Perfect… enjoy that peaceful moment as if it were your last, because suddenly you hear: “Nooo God, why are you punishing me, why me?!”

At a volume that could easily compete with a souped-up sports car, followed by a sharp kick to my butt from a lunatic flailing their legs like a windmill. Then, another lunatic shouts just as loud, “What? What?!” and before I can even blink, I feel the air whoosh twice by my ears as the second maniac starts throwing punches into the darkness like a boxer fighting invisible demons.

That, my friends, was my wake-up call. At three in the morning.

Everyone slowly caught their breath, trying to remember who they were and where they lived, and then turned on their phones… to look straight at me. I was, of course, lying completely flat for safety reasons, hiding behind the knee pillow the Girl uses, moving only my eyes.

The Boy was the first to recover from the chaos. Still panting, he asked, “What on earth happened to you?!” while staring at Hydra like she might be bleeding from an artery. The Girl, drenched in sweat, slowly pulled herself from “lying flat” to “sitting up,” eyes wide and face dead serious, and said:

“I just dreamed that we sold all 150 books, and when they arrived from the printer, I opened the box and inside our cover were 370 pages of a Lidl catalog.”

Well… what can you even say to that? We can’t wait for the books to finally be safe in your homes. And by the way, Lidl has Pilos butter for 27.90 Kč.

The Boy is already working on the English translation, but he’s doing it slower than a sloth trying to cross a supermarket aisle.

We promise you’ll laugh even more than when the cashier tells you that butter is limited to five packs per person and you have to return the other thirty-five back to the shelf.